forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
