I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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