highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
