real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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