Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize