My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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