On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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