I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Everything about him screamed your future.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
