You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
