I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
