i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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