there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
