If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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