It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
