somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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