i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Let's paint friendship bongs
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
