I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
