we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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