the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
