I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
