if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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