sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
