Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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