Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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