I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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