I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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