So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i out mim tonsoeep
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