You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
