My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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