he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
