it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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