Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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