i permit you to call me
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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