Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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