I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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