all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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