Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
