Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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