She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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