my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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