Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
