She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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