My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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