He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
