My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
