i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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