This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize