two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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