He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
