I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
