they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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