In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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