Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
