why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
