UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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